Christmas Cookies Ranked, Rated, and Reviewed!
Curveball! Everyone loves to talk about their favorite Christmas cookies, but few mention the unmentionables. Wait, is that why? Well anyway let’s do it now, let’s talk about the worst cookies in the holiday cookie lineup. I know you all need the help, and I know you certainly don’t want Santa to come flying down your chimney, see the pile of doughy gruel you’ve thrown together on a plate, then hit the sky without dropping off your iWatchpadcaroven, so let’s get to it. Starting from the 5th worst Christmas cookie!
5. Hershey Kiss Cookies, or as the internet calls them, “Peanut Butter Blossoms”
Anyone who knows me will be shocked this cookie is on the list, and maybe it shouldn’t be. Maybe I’m being hasty and throwing an old friend under the bus, but let’s be honest, these are impossible to eat. Is there a good way to eat these? If there is, I haven’t figured it out yet because every time I try, the top of my mouth is impaled by the top of a Hershey Kiss and in the next moment the whole thing falling apart. Love the ingredients, hate the execution.
7.2/10
4. Gingerbread Cookies
Never met a gingerbread person I liked. Never. Take your fake smile and your Don Corleone icing accoutrements and get packing. If I want to taste a baked graham cracker, I’ll head to the cupboard, dig out a pack of stale graham crackers, fire up the oven and call it a holiday.
3.2/10
3. Oatmeal Anything
Look, I’m not gonna sit here and bash innovation, creativeness, or the desire to take a risk. Without some of history’s greatest inventors I wouldn’t be here typing this and you wouldn’t be reading it. But the person who saw a bowl of oatmeal and had the idea to make it into a cookie to be enjoyed should have been thrown in jail immediately. Oatmeal is an insult to breakfast and an even bigger insult to Christmas cookies. Don’t even get me started on introducing raisins into the equation.
2.9/10
2. Jam Thumbprints
It was a toss-up between 1 and 2. They could have easily been flip-flopped, and I’m not really sure why Jam Thumbprints got the nod at 2, but let’s be honest, these are terrible. Jelly doesn’t belong anywhere near a cookie. I simply cannot trust a cookie that has a built-in forcefield to stop milk absorption upon a dunk. It’s intentional and offensive. We’re getting into Biscoff territory (Kyle). These belong exactly where they end up — the trash can.
1.2/10
1. Russian Tea Cakes, a.k.a. “Snowballs”
Let me paint a scene for you really quick, if I can. You’re at a holiday party or gathering, professional or social, either way, trying to be casual, not really trying to cause a scene, as we all do. You got there late, the Uber driver couldn’t find your street. Typical. You scan the snack table and all you see are these and some other random finger bites. You take one with your haul and head back to your circle. You get to the “Snowball” and figure why not, you go down to grab it. Powder everywhere like they just turned on snow machines, you push through, take a bite, immediately suffocate with dryness. People are noticing, as you chew and try to swallow this desert of dessert. Gagging. You finally get it down, only to realize you have a nut allergy and wonder why the maniac would put pecans in these things. Powder all over your shirt, hands, mouth, swollen throat, you collapse. Music has stopped. Everyone is frantic. Party over.
-1/10
OK, I’ll admit, that last one was a bit dramatic, and while these cookies aren’t my favorites, they aren’t going anywhere and will always find their way onto any holiday cookie spread. I’ve bashed my least favorite of the bunch, now let me give you my top 3. It is the holidays after all.
3. Chocolate Chip Cookie
The OG, the star of the show, The Great Bambino. This cookie doesn’t need any introduction. What a versatile being. There are numerous different ways to prep and back a chocolate chip cookie, and they’re all great! A plate of these with a cold glass o’ milk to dunk them in and you are in holiday bliss.
9.9/10
2. Peanut Butter Cup Cookies
I need to know why these aren’t mass produced for consumption, and I need to know immediately. These are hands down the greatest cookies of all time. The GOAT. You can dunk these OR what’s even better is you can take a bite and chase it with that cold sip of milk. You leave these out on Christmas Eve, you’re getting that iWatchpadcaroven from Santa, for sure!
11/10
- Any Cookie Baked with Love
Look, while all ingredients certainly play a big part in the overall experience of the cookie, the most important ingredient of all is love. So whether your favorite cookie landed on my naughty list or nice list, enjoy it, thank the person who took the time to make it and please, please, for the love of whatever you believe in, stop making those Snowballs! Please!
20/10
Happy Holidays.
-Speaks
